If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
