everyone is single if you try hard enough
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
