Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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