I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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