I accidentally burped into my bong.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
