My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
