that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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