Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
