What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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