Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I want her autograph on my taint
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
