it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
