I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
