I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
