I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
