Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
