I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
