He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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