Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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