I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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