it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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