Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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