Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
