I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
