I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
