There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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