I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
