I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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