Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
