I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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