If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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