My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
