i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
