He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
