Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
