why didn't you poke me back
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
