Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
