This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
