I hate your face
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
