Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
