You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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