Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
