I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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