Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
