I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
