It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
