I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
