so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
