Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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