Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
