He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i think my cat just said my name.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
