My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
