i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
